Saturday, October 12, 2013

favorite one.


Jasper,

When you are super silly or about to throw a fit, I usually ask you if you'd like to hear a secret. The invitation causes you to pause for a moment while a wide grin spreads across your face. You come barreling toward me and lean in for news that is always true and always the same:

Out of all the little boys who live in my house, YOU are my very...favorite...one!

I realize that out of context and to an adult cynic, this declaration sounds very creepy. (Am I keeping a few in the cupboards and others in the basement? Am I the old woman who lived in a shoe?) But you are wildly flattered by these words and always ask to hear "another secret". So, with gladness, I tell you again and again.

I used to wonder how I would tweak this secret declaration if you were to have a brother. But we recently found out that there is no need to manipulate your Gospel according to Mom. This word will always be true because it sounds like you've got sisters on the way!

I kept a pregnancy journal with you, Jasper. I wrote about and to you long before you lived on the outside. But I haven't been doing that for your sisters quite yet. I am still too wrapped up in talking to you, teaching you, reflecting about you, and being in awe of you during this transition. I have a hard time imagining my relationship with them apart from you right now because you are the Known and you are in the Flesh.

So I'm sure my words for them will come. And I'm sure, at times, you'll think I have too many words for them and not enough for you. But, in light of our secret truth and your three year head start, be confident that there is a special place for you deep in my soul.

I know what it's like to be the oldest. And what it's like to have two siblings - younger, close in age, and of the same gender. I know what it's like to be entrusted with responsibilities and to walk while the little ones are carried. I know what it's like to watch your siblings have a unique relationship and then to figure out how you get to be close to each and both of them in your own way. I know what it's like to mostly love and only sometimes resent being first. I know what it's like to blaze the trail and challenge the rules that have never been put to the test before.

I get excited about watching you in this role, navigating it with unique style and perspective. You will be a wonderful eldest and, no matter how your sisters change this dynamic we've got cooking, I will always be attune to your place in this family of five.

I thought all these things while we napped in my bed today. I drifted in and out of sleep, relaxed by your rest beside me, stirring now and then to watch your lips and hear your breath. And then I awoke one final time to you in my face saying, "It's wake up time! Oh, Mommy. You are my favorite Mommy."

And you are my favorite Jasper. So remember - as I find words for your sisters and things continue to change, our old saying will always be true:

Out of all the little boys who live in my house, YOU are my very favorite one.

Love, Mommy

2 comments:

Mary Hess said...

Thank you for this! You gave me a vivid morning reminder of some of my favorite moments with my own guys (both of whom are now in college). I really needed this this morning, it feels like a moment of grace.

Marma said...

He knows you are special and you know he is special and that is GOOD! I didn't forget about you Matt!!!
Love Marma