Monday, October 1, 2012

i will never tell you.

Jasper Wade,

I ran across this picture of us today. It's old. In fact, I think I was still wearing maternity jeans even though you were 5 months old. I looked at this picture and thought about all the ways my body has changed since we met and started sharing space. I thought about all the ways you've changed and I've changed. And then, an hour later, I stumbled upon this article. What grace!

There are lots of things about my old body I miss. There are sleek and toned things about my shape that I remember fondly, within this shape that still looms 7 pounds heavier than I was before you came to be. Some people shed this stuff with ease, but I struggle to return to that magic number.

Blah blah blah. Who the hell cares? I certainly don't most days and that's why 7 remain. My love handles are so much more beautiful than that complaining. And so I promise you something, Jasper:

I will never tell you about the things I wish I could change about my body. I will never vent in front of you and a mirror. I will never say I'm ugly or fat or droopy. Not now. Not after more kids. Not on your wedding day when I'm deciding whether or not my dress will have sleeves. I will never tell you because I want you to know the truth: I am your mother and I am beautiful. I am strong. I move and lift and hike and walk and bike and wrestle with you. I am healthy and lovely and whole. I am the kind of woman you need to know as you grow. I get to help inspire your definition of beauty and that's a privilege.

I will keep moving and straining to melt that 7, but I will never deny you when you offer me a piece of peanut butter toast and it looks good. I will never shy away from sharing a watermelon with you or letting you bury your face in my soft tummy for comfort. God, I love that. I will never tell you things that detract from the wide and physical love I have for creating you because that is worth the soft parts of me that weren't there before.

Love, Mama

1 comment:

Emmy Kegler said...

You have such a great way of looking at things. I'm not a mom, but this has now gotten me thinking about how I use and talk about my body even around my middle-school confirmation girls. Kids, girls especially but all kids in general, are so hungry for someone to tell them that they are worthy of things, that they are beautiful despite what the media tells them. Maybe church can be a place for that. Maybe those of us that "do the church thing" can lead the charge.